The moment I typed the title for this blog, I started laughing…!! Of all the books that I have read, there are only two which have literally made me shed tears from laughing too much, apart from invariably giving me a laughter-induced bellyache – the first one is ‘Murphy’s Law – Complete’ and, the second one, of course, is ‘The Dilbert Principle’. I would definitely rate Scott Adams, the author, as the best ever exponent of satirical office humour…!!
I have fallen so much in love with this book that I have kept a copy permanently in my car – just so that in case I have some time to kill whenever I am out on personal work, I will at least spend that time laughing out like mad! There were several occasions when I had to visit the doctor’s clinic for regular monthly check-ups for my parents, and almost invariably all those visits involved a waiting time of upward of an hour at the very least. On all these occasions, it was Dilbert, Dogbert, Ratbert, Pointy-haired Boss, Consultants, and above all, Scott Adams, who made the wait not only bearable, but also immensely enjoyable! In fact, it was so immensely enjoyable that many a time, I forgot that I was in a hospital waiting room, and instead of maintaining silence, I laughed out loudly, resulting in stern looks from many of the other patients. I found the book so enjoyable that one day, when I was out shopping for used books, I came across the French version of the same book (‘Le Principe de Dilbert’), and immediately bought it for a measly sum of Rs. 100/- !!!
In a way, I guess I enjoy the book so much because in my 14 year professional career in various organizations, I have come across at least 95 % of the work situations that have been depicted in the book. It would hence be difficult for me to write a complete review, since each and every page of the book seems like a page out of reality in a typical office! And one other strange observation is that I have myself felt many times like Dilbert – the poor underdog who is the dumping ground of all bullshit from superiors, peers and subordinates alike! On countless other occasions, I felt like I am the Pointy-haired Boss, for making unreasonable demands on my team members, while having a complete ignorance of the nature of the task involved. And on several other occasions, I felt like the engineer, described by Scott Adams – the engineer who gets a kick out of doing the most mundane things in the most complicated way…!!
However, there was one section which I felt was a gem in the whole book - I have decided to add my two cents worth of sarcasm to this section. This section is called ‘Management Lies’, and I have made a table of what the management of an organization says in public, and what they actually mean!
| Management Statements | What they mean actually |
| Employees are our most valuable asset | As valuable as toilet paper – very helpful at the point of need, but to be dumped anyway |
| “I have an open-door policy” (usually told by a manager who has his own cabin) | “I decide when I open my doors, I open them myself, and I ALWAYS open them from inside” |
| You could earn more under the new plan | Provided all the eligibility criteria are ignored (Corollary – all eligibility criteria are created to make you ineligible for any new plans promising additional earnings)` |
| We are reorganizing to better serve our customers | To hell with customers – we are reorganizing to satisfy the egos of a bunch of nitwits on the company board. |
| We reward risk takers | The rewards are collectively called BLAME |
| Performance will be rewarded | The reward for performance is MORE WORK |
| We don’t shoot the messenger | That’s old-fashioned – we just push him off the 10th floor terrace. Why waste a bullet on an inept scumbag anyway? |
| Training is a high priority | Just so that straining them to insanity becomes a reality |
| “I haven’t heard any rumors” | I actually create all the rumors based on strategy meetings I attend |
| We’ll review your performance in six months | We expect you to scoot within six months. You won’t survive our performance review even if you stay that long anyway. |
| Your input is important to us | They are just for the record – we know already that your inputs are a bunch of crap, fit only to be ignored. To tell you a fact, we already know what to do… |
| Our people are the best | Best, among the worst…. We realize this because the best are not dumb and stupid enough to stay with us. |
I did a little bit of research on Scott Adams, the creator of Dilbert. He actually was a Software Developer, who had worked in Pacific Bell before becoming a full-time writer. In fact, he had published his Dilbert strip even while he was still employed in Pacific Bell! Most of his inspiration and the stereotypes depicted in his strip are actually drawn from his years at Pacific Bell (and of course the company where he worked with before that)! Captured below is Scott Adams with Dilbert behind him!
Scott suffered from a few debilitating health issues starting from 2004, which prevented him from continuing his writing. One ailment, focal dystonia, affected his drawing, and another, spasmodic dysphonia, a condition that causes the vocal cords to behave in an abnormal manner, affected his speech. He is, I understand, recovering now.
I also read an account about how Scott Adams, with his editor/publisher posing as his secretary, gained entry into the office of Logitech International (yes, the manufacturer of computer mouse and peripherals!) posing as a Management Consultant. The co-founder of Logitech, Pierluigi Zappacosta was complicit to this funny prank, where he circulated a memo amongst his managers that they are to meet a management consultant by name Ray Mebert the next day over lunch. All ‘Ray Mebert’ did was to appear with this lady ‘secretary’ at the main entrance of the Logitech office, with a false wig, moustache, videographers and a lot of other fanfare. He was actually allowed in, and was able to make a total farce of management consultants as a whole! He seems to have compared Mission Statements to broccoli soup, and seems to have given some of his own ‘gyan’, according to which his consultancy is an outcome of his ‘cognitive framework’, which in turn was an intersection of a mission ‘triad’ of ‘authority’, ‘linguistics’, and ‘message’. The most unbelievable thing about this whole affair was that some of the Logitech managers even dutifully took notes during the meeting! More about this practical joke can be found at this link http://web.mit.edu/jcb/humor/scott-adams-mgmt-consultant
I can go on about Dilbert and Scott Adams, but I would like to close this post with just one last quote from Scott. In one interview, he was asked who his inspiration for the character of Pointy-haired Boss in the Dilbert strip was. The conversation went something like this:
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